Just Keeping it Real....

So this past week has been rough. Parenting two kids under the age of 2 is hard! There, I said it. I know its not rocket science to understand this, but I want to document this week. I want to write about this so I can look back and remember how I feel now. I don't want to dwell on the negative, but I know every phase of life has its difficulties and I want to remember this phase well, both the good and the bad. 

She loves her brother!

First of all, Tyson is a pretty good baby and I love him so much! He sleeps really well at night, only waking to eat once a night and going right back to sleep. Actually, last night, he went 7.5 hours before waking up to eat. It was awesome! Unfortunately though, during the day, he needs to be held most of the day. He won't sleep well without being held or bounced in his bouncer. I wear him a lot using the wrap I made. But he also cries a lot. He isn't content to chill like Kayla was at his age. His crying is contagious for Kayla and often times, both kids are upset, and I feel like I'm losing it. 

I have a lot of guilt for the side of me that comes out during this 'losing it' phase of the day. I hate that I get short with Kayla. I feel like she's been yelled at more since Tyson's been born than in her entire life before him. There's just more she can do that is 'naughty' with a newborn around. I also recognize that she is acting out for misplaced attention. I understand why she has developed the bad behavioral habits she has, but that doesn't make them much more bearable on a regular basis. First and foremost in the bad behavior department is screaming. I don't mean a happy, excited elevation in her volume. That doesn't bother me. Rather, she screams like a monster that is angry. Yes, I hate to describe it like that, but its accurate. It literally gives me anxiety to hear it and is quite honestly stretching my patience thin. I wish there was more of myself to give to my sweet little girl who doesn't understand why I'm sitting on the couch nursing the baby for a lot of the day or why he needs to held so often. 

Love this guy!

I know every first born goes through this and she most likely won't be scarred for life, but it breaks my heart a little. I've been trying to make a concerted effort to read to her a lot and get down on the floor to play with her and the toys she chooses. We dance and sing a lot and she still has quite a happy little life, but I hope she knows how loved she really is. She also watches more TV than ever before, which I hate.

When Brett's home, things are much easier. There is comfort in numbers and not being out-numbered by the little people is obviously a perk. Unfortunately, Brett's been working longer hours. On one hand, the overtime is a big blessing, but the time away from home is hard on all of us, including Brett, I'm sure. I hate that by the time he gets home, I'm frazzled and quite often grumpy, not to mention my appearance! (I'm lucky to shower every day, let alone makeup) 

On Tuesday this week, Brett was off. I presumed that because of this, we'd have a great day. That didn't happen. Tyson was particularly fussy, needing to eat more often than normal. Kayla was particularly difficult, I was exhausted from an unusual night being up more often with Tyson and poor Brett became a victim of the chaos. By the end of the day, after we had both apologized multiple times to each other for our bad moods, we were glad the day was over. On the bright side, I think Brett got a much better idea of what my usual days consist of lately and hopefully a little more understanding for my less than chipper disposition. I hope so, anyway. ;) 

I do have to give Brett credit where its due though. He is completely patient with me and never seems to be bothered by my grouchy attitude. He's always quick to help out with the kids, the house and meals in every way and I definitely couldn't do any of this without him. 

One tender mercy happened because of the Relief Society, appropriately. Since we had our mothers here for almost a month when Tyson was born, we didn't have meals brought in. I told them we didn't need anything at the time. The compassionate service lady approached me last Sunday, after a really rough meeting thanks to Kayla, and told me she wanted to arrange meals for the week. Honestly, I felt stupid. I'm totally recovered physically and should be able to cook for my family. Not to mention the many freezer meals my wonderful mother-in-law prepared before she left. But I was feeling stressed, and she insisted so I accepted the offer. Those meals were a real blessing and wonderfully timed. Each meal was large enough for several days of food, saving me time, money, and my sanity during this rough week. I'm grateful to belong to such a service-oriented organization and church. 

Her cheesy smile melts my heart!

Again, I know this is all a phase, and one that I'm sure I'll miss certain aspects of someday. I love my babies, and I love being a stay-at-home mom. Its my job and I am so grateful for it. But everyone has times when their job is hard and they want to complain about their bosses. So that's what this is. I wouldn't trade a day of my life for anything else, but my bosses have been rough on me lately! :)

I'm happy to report that this weekend has been good! I took the kids to a Christmas parade that featured celebrities, giant balloon floats, music, and my own celebrity (Brett) and had a crowd of 100,000 people and the kids both did awesome. I enlisted a little help from friends since Brett was in the parade and we all had a great time. Today at church, Kayla did really well and Tyson slept through almost all of it. We're already off to a much better start to the week! 

I know that bad days are still coming, without a doubt. I wanted to write this to show that life isn't perfect and maybe Kayla can read it someday in the future and realize that her own struggles as a mother are ok. Maybe I can look back at this when we have 3 or 4 kids and laugh that I thought things were hard now. Who knows. 

Such a silly girl!

Writing this also helps me to reflect and think about the joys and happy moments being a mother brings. I LOVE seeing Kayla's growing understanding of the world around her. She talks up a storm, is very opinionated (which sometimes leads to my stress), loves smiling and laughing and dancing and singing and reading and playing and taking care of Tyson and helping mommy with whatever task I'm doing at the time. She is a very smart, strong, sweet little girl. In some ways, she's very mature, and in others, she is definitely a 22 month old that is still figuring out this great big world she is still so new to. 

Sibling play time!

I love seeing her bond with Tyson already. She is always looking out for him and won't let me forget him when he's crying or upset. She's always quick to inform me if he's 'Sad'. I love seeing Kayla's love for this Christmas season. Her pronunciation of Santa Clause is hilarious! She won't pronounce the S in either word and so it comes out sounding like 'Anaca' or almost like Hanakkah! The irony makes me laugh all the time! 

As much as I teach her, she's teaching me so much too. Number one is that I have to let go of some control. I'm a control freak and I need to learn to lighten up and not stress over the "little things". Its my struggle in life, and I recognize that. Now I just need to master the task. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for the chance to be a mother to these two precious souls. I don't take it for granted. I also spend lots of time praying for patience and for the skills necessary to help them become the people they have the potential to be. I wouldn't change anything in my life, except maybe me and how I react to the hard times. Hopefully that gets better with time. 

Like I said, I'm just keeping it real. :)